Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hater Humpday

This week's edition of Hater Humpday is brought to you by the Ralph's parking lot in Studio City (just south of Hell, exit 86B off the 101 freeway).

I hate:

1) People who can't put their fuckin' cart away - or at least OUT of the way.  Leaving it in the ONLY parking spot available exceeds the maximum level of douche ever recorded by Massingil.

2)  Whatever the hell they used last year to pave that flat, black portal to Hades that makes every car - regardless of MPH - sound like they're auditioning for Fast & Furious Six: Seriously, What's So Important?.  No, my car does NOT have NOS, and no, tramps do not display themselves on the hood of my  fairly staid hybrid SUV.  The only thing dirty going on in this car is the level of crumbiness happening in the backseat in the vicinity of someone's carseat/cookie throne.

3.  People who can't (or won't) bring themselves to notice STOP SIGNS.  Or frankly, SIGNS.

4.  Stopping your car right behind mine, when my back-up lights are CLEARLY ON, so that you can shoot the breeze with your homey.  Here's an idea:  buy your crack/heroin/oxy down by the liquor store like everyone else. By the way: nice shoes, Snoop Doggie Trevor. Yellow was a brave choice.

5.  Self-righteous women in luxury SUVs that have to pull into the parking space you are standing in, having just put your child in his car seat, forcing you to hustle through the never-easy-when-rushed critter buckling. With all due haste, you jump into your seat and slam the door closed before you become part of a Lexus bumper, only to soon discover that this egomaniacal ΓΌber-twat has parked so badly--because she just HAD to get into Starbucks before they ran out of coffee, smugness, or both--that you need a team of air traffic controllers to guide you out of this squeeze - and THESE controllers actually need to be awake FOR ONCE.  Have a splendid evening, Ayn Rand wannabe.  I hope that works out for you.  And by works out, i mean your anal warts get worse.  Asshat.

*Now for those of you looking for the "Hater Humpday" button, it's coming--don't get yer knickers in a twist.  I just need to find an image I a) love and b) will still love a month from now.  That and I've had shit to do.  Like spending an eternity trying to exit a G-d-forsaken parking lot (hat tip to Charon).