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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hater Humpday

This week's edition of Hater Humpday is brought to you by the Ralph's parking lot in Studio City (just south of Hell, exit 86B off the 101 freeway).

I hate:

1) People who can't put their fuckin' cart away - or at least OUT of the way.  Leaving it in the ONLY parking spot available exceeds the maximum level of douche ever recorded by Massingil.

2)  Whatever the hell they used last year to pave that flat, black portal to Hades that makes every car - regardless of MPH - sound like they're auditioning for Fast & Furious Six: Seriously, What's So Important?.  No, my car does NOT have NOS, and no, tramps do not display themselves on the hood of my  fairly staid hybrid SUV.  The only thing dirty going on in this car is the level of crumbiness happening in the backseat in the vicinity of someone's carseat/cookie throne.

3.  People who can't (or won't) bring themselves to notice STOP SIGNS.  Or frankly, SIGNS.

4.  Stopping your car right behind mine, when my back-up lights are CLEARLY ON, so that you can shoot the breeze with your homey.  Here's an idea:  buy your crack/heroin/oxy down by the liquor store like everyone else. By the way: nice shoes, Snoop Doggie Trevor. Yellow was a brave choice.

5.  Self-righteous women in luxury SUVs that have to pull into the parking space you are standing in, having just put your child in his car seat, forcing you to hustle through the never-easy-when-rushed critter buckling. With all due haste, you jump into your seat and slam the door closed before you become part of a Lexus bumper, only to soon discover that this egomaniacal über-twat has parked so badly--because she just HAD to get into Starbucks before they ran out of coffee, smugness, or both--that you need a team of air traffic controllers to guide you out of this squeeze - and THESE controllers actually need to be awake FOR ONCE.  Have a splendid evening, Ayn Rand wannabe.  I hope that works out for you.  And by works out, i mean your anal warts get worse.  Asshat.


*Now for those of you looking for the "Hater Humpday" button, it's coming--don't get yer knickers in a twist.  I just need to find an image I a) love and b) will still love a month from now.  That and I've had shit to do.  Like spending an eternity trying to exit a G-d-forsaken parking lot (hat tip to Charon).

Comments (17)

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Auntie Yasmine's avatar

Auntie Yasmine · 724 weeks ago

I just pee'd a little reading the words uber and twat together...lol
1 reply · active 724 weeks ago
Having experienced this with you - I can't help but chuckle. You have such a way with words :D
I'm officially a fan now because of "asshat".
1 reply · active 724 weeks ago
Uber-twat didn't getcha? ;)
What about all the industry people, wheeling and dealing on their cell phones?? See, the Ralph's in Sherman Oaks is a little more tolerable, but just a tiny bit.
2 replies · active 724 weeks ago
Oh, Ayn Rand was on the phone-have no doubt. I just didn't include it because it's a GIVEN in that parking lot. Maybe that's my problem. I should talk on the phone when i'm there...
I should state my Old Man is industry folk--although i've never heard him wheel or deal on his phone. He does text a lot though. Mostly questioning his friends' sexuality, birth legitimacy or the state of their vaginas. His male friends.
those fucking SUV bitches! I called an elderly lady a douchebag once after she scolded me for taking to long to get out of the spot she was waiting for. No wait. Not a douchebag; a FUCKING douchebag. Yep.
1 reply · active 724 weeks ago
that happened to me once--and i damn near pulled back in to the spot out of spite. Should have.
#1 is a pet peeve of mine. I grab the cart, and spend the time it takes to walk to the entrance of the store grumbling, wishing I could call the person that left the cart there a lazy ass.
It's me. I'm the lazy ass that leaves the cart there. Sorry.
What a concept!! I'm totally doing this next Wednesday! You had me at "anal warts."
I'm going to participate next week! Great idea! I know the Ralph's you're talking about. Studio City parking lots are just a nightmare in general!
OK, so Blogger blew away my Hater Humpday post...should I take this as a message from the cosmos?
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
first of all--check again. My posts came back later.

second--no worries! I've already set it up on my new blog page : http://thissideoftypical.com over at wordpress and will have everything ready to go on Wednesday for another hate-filled day!
Well, mine is gone forever. I was away all day and checking to see when Blogger came back up on my iPhone. When it appeared to be back up, the post still wasn't there but I did find that it was there in draft form. So I published it, only to find that it was an in-progress draft and was all screwball so I had no choice but to delete cuz I couldn't fix it from my iPhone and didn't want to leave it up like that all day. Not that it was a work of art that i couldn't recreate, but I'm just too lazy. I'll be back on board next week with Blogger at the top of my hating list. I'm way too lazy to migrate to Wordpress.

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