Thursday, May 5, 2011


I've never been afraid of paperwork.  I've got a mom who does it for a living, with great aplomb and efficiency i might add, and I can fill out forms like a pro--in fact where's my corporate sponsorship? 3M?  HP?  I could use a new iPad people...  Hell, an idea of a good time for me is to create more paperwork (sorta) by creating various spreadsheets to examine spending, budget habits, feeding schedules, vacation plans--you name it, i've prolly got a spreadsheet to cover it.

So why then am i so LOATHE to fill out every friggin piece of paperwork given to me by the school, regional center, ABA clinic, etc?

Perhaps it's because i am answering the SAME GODDAMN QUESTION EVERY TIME!  Efficiency people!

(it should be noted that this piece was written shortly after filling out the Vineland II--for those of you familiar, an evaluation that can take 30 min to over an hour to complete--and that's if you're doing it solo and your kid's under 5)

I get it.  I do.  None of these agencies are actually capable of talking to one another. And that "permanent record" we were threatened with as teens doesn't really exist, so the same questions have to be answered OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND...

So in case the powers that be are actually reading this, let's just settle some of these answers once and for all:

I had a normal pregnancy.  No hiccups, no issues, no diabetes.  Just swollen ankles and a bad attitude.  And he was born naturally--well, as naturally as a pitocin drip and the world's best Epidural can be.  And the only complication with his birth is that the wonderful, sweet, gentle and supportive nurses who were on staff all night and day while i labored were replaced with Beverly--the meanest, no nonsense, would have rather been somewhere else rather than do her job, uncommunicative BIOTCHNIT that i have ever come across.  So no--I did not grow a tail or develop ESP or eat sand.

I guess however, I was a horrible mother and did not write down every little drool and dribble my little larvae made (hell, i never finished his scrapbook!) --and as other things have happened since, the answer is no, I do NOT remember the exact month when he sat up, rolled over or crawled.  Walking--i remember.  Talking, definitely.  Two word phrases--got it--because those things caused concern as they happened a little later than usual.  But can't we just set up some kind of box  or chart with these questions that states:  he did this shit at the "normal time" so that i didn't go running to the doctor with questions, or spend umpteen hours on the internet looking at development charts.  Let's just call it "option A"--and then development issues that were of concern--you mark down.  How hard is this?

Or better yet--here's an idea--why not create some sort of spreadsheet or record that you give a parent--where all the questions area answered in one place (obviously only up to the age appropriate) that they can fill out and make copies of and carry around like that damn vaccination card i keep losing?  Then, whenever you get set up in a new agency, you hand over this report--lets call it the EFRH (Everything's Fucking Right Here) and your time isn't wasted and you don't end up with a hand cramp. Or my favorite--eye strain from having to squeeze an answer into a tiny tiny space meant only for leprechauns and elves  or prissy mommies with immaculate handwriting to fill out.

So, in lieu of an appropriate solution, imma just bring a crayon to the next meeting and write "YES" on everything and see where that gets me.  A green crayon.