I've never really been a patient person. Oh, I can feign patience with the best of them, and even convince myself sometimes that I've got a smidge of it. But really I don't. I hate people driving in front of me, being ahead of me in line, other people actually speaking out loud, price checks, cocktail parties with people for whom I have no respect, and anything that involves waiting for another person or mode of transportation. The Old Man can tell you, I am the worst until we actually get on the plane/train/automobile. But it isn't just waiting. I've got no…how do I put it…I do not suffer fools gladly. I have a REAL lack of patience when it comes to stupid people. Now of course I don't mean the uneducated or people who necessarily think differently than I do--but I REALLY cannot handle people who are speaking from ignorance as if they are geniuses and DEMANDING that I agree with them. It’s a wonder I've lasted this long on FB. I strive to be patient with others
And YET
Even though it never feels like I'm being patient enough, I feel like Ben has taught me more about patience than I'll ever learn. I mean, he has these days--like today--in which NOTHING is working right, which involves a scream or 20, and he decides that he wants a sandwich, and then he doesn't, and then he does again, and he spins himself into a frenzy, and he scripts and scripts and scripts, and he hits and kicks, and he looks at me with those big eyes as if begging for me to fix it, even though he has no idea what "it" is. And even though it can be everything for me not to break down into tears before him because he's breaking my heart, somewhere I've learned to just hold his hand, or draw him into a hug(if that's what he wants) and repeat his script, and applaud his spins, and play his train DVD for the upteenth time, and say everything in a low soothing voice to calm him down. I've learned to drop plans in a heartbeat, change directions quickly, and throw the earlier part of the day out the window.
It would be so easy to holler and get uptight--and it's not to say I don't. Sometimes his frustrations and my hormones go head to head, and no one wins, and even the dog goes into hiding. But for the most part, when I can get a grasp on my own feelings and frustrations, (or at least set them aside for 20 friggin minutes) I am able to be the voice of calm in his world, until we can get to a place where he can just be, without competing with his senses and the world for a thought or an idea.
Perhaps its because I know these days usually mean growth for him (and possibly for the rest of us?). It usually means he's working through something and we will soon wonder at a new skill, or use of vocabulary or expression of emotion. But until then, we just have to practice patience. HE ain't gonna learn that one on his own. So I guess it's up to me the be the patient one. Which is seriously an exercise in itself.
