This Side of Typical: P.O.T.T.Y.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

P.O.T.T.Y.

I know, i know. He's 4.5. It's time.

Like i haven't tried.

We've done the three day miracle, the every 15 minutes, the do a little dance, cloth pull-ups, being naked outside (during summer of course), long pointless discussions that gain only blank gazes or crying and controlling all liquids to try and time this bitch.

Nothing. Nada. Bupkis.

Occasionally he'll freak me out and tell me he's wet (3x) or actually ask to go potty (2x) or, no, that's it. He has sat on the potty and farted once or twice--which made for a good giggle, but no poopy.

*sigh*

Yes, I know. he has AUtism. It may take him longer. I get that. Doesn't mean i have to like it.

(at this point i will stop and say how absolutely BLESSED we have been that he shows no interest in his own...um...crap so that we haven't had to deal with any of the horror stories i've read from other moms, Autie and typical alike. Thank you G-d . THANK. YOU.)

And yes, i know, he get's tremendous support from his teachers at school, and is about to start ABA therapy, and i have hopes that we'll at least have the basics down by kindergarten. But having gone through a couple trials of underwear-wearing, "see, that's what WET feels like", forgive me if it seems like it's never going to happen.

(and yes, i realize it WILL happen.)

Now all this comes to mind because we just got a new respite worker (YAY) who is also a mom of two boys with Autism. (um--wow? I can barely deal with my own kid) Anyway, when we all first met, she was shocked--SHOCKED---that Ben was still in pull-ups. Both of her boys, she proudly announced, were potty-trained by 4. And then she proceeded to tell me what i have to do (as if i've been living in ignorant bliss--yeah lady. like i'd never thought of or tried ANY of the things you mentioned)

(that being said, she is a great caregiver, playing with and challenging Ben in wonderful ways. And i know when we attempt serious potty training again, she will be behind me 100%.)

I don't want to be that mom--the one obsessed with poopy and peepee. But i am. And i am excited more than you know that ABA will start soon. If anything, maybe they will give me the 1 method i HAVEN'T tried.

Unless its' the "mommy will drink less if you make a peepee in the potty method." I ain't flyin' with that nonsense. I'll invest in Huggies stock instead...

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k.d. · 728 weeks ago

I have also been had the experience of being judged by other special needs moms--the ones you think will GET IT and be more understanding and all that....yeah, they can be just as alienating as everyone else! So when people keep encouraging me to join support groups, I just think of it as increasing all the judging and annoying comments by a untold number, and I say no thanks.

We're nearly potty trained by 4 here. I never thought it would happen, and I can tell you it was by nothing that I DID! I gave up completely. And then it became all her idea. Like everything else. She has all the control. I have none. [insert judging comment from peanut gallery here]

I would please love to know how and where you acquired a respite worker??? I'm trying to find out how to do that but it's nearly impossible to get anywhere in the process. All I get when I call someplace about services is more numbers of places to call about services. So all I have is a growing list of phone numbers that all have excruciating automated systems and long wait times. It would help if someone would just tell which line to stand in...

4 replies · active 727 weeks ago

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dawn 58p · 728 weeks ago

KD--it was awarded to us when we signed up with our local regional center (here in CA). WE have no family in the area, so it's just me and my Old Man caring for Ben, so we were given respite because we have no release valve. I don't know how it works state to state or region to region. I can only speak for Los Angeles. Good Luck and keep trying!

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k.d. · 727 weeks ago

Could you clarify what you mean by "local regional center"? There are so many different govt depts and autism orgs and such that it's hard to know where to start. Although, I've finally gone down the right rabbit hole and gotten a developmental disability dept intake packet, in order to hopefully get a caseworker. And we were finally approved for SSI. So looks like we're finally getting somewhere.

I have no family help either--I have no siblings, plus my parents are elderly and disabled, AND I'm a single mom with no child support because the dude is in prison. So it's absolutely just me.

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dawn 58p · 727 weeks ago

this is the website i used to find my regional center--but its a CA site. I don't know where you are, but maybe there's some info here you can use.
http://www.dds.ca.gov/RC/RCList.cfm

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k.d. · 727 weeks ago

Ah, DDS. That helps. Thanks!

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Flannery · 728 weeks ago

I feel your pain. Mine took until 4 to get trained, and he still has accidents almost every day because of the ADHD, and being out-of-touch with his body signals. It's tough. But after trying every trick and approach in the book, I left it alone for a while, and one day he announced that he didn't want pull ups anymore. I'm not saying it works like that for everybody, but it did for us. He had done everything according to his own schedule, never ours. So maybe it will happen that way for you. But I sure do understand the frustration, and the pissiness at having other mom's make snarky judgments. Screw them! You're doing a great job, and you will get there. Never give up hope, or drinking!!

1 reply · active 728 weeks ago

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dawn 58p · 728 weeks ago

*snarky giggle* like i would CONSIDER giving up drinking...

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dawn 58p · 728 weeks ago

and that's kinda where we're at--letting him find his own schedule. I'm just worried that schedule won't kick in until he's a teen...

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k.d. · 728 weeks ago

OH, I just remembered how the training started: it began the past few months at the same time her language began to kick in. She could then understand flat out BRIBERY. The 'IF you do this THEN you get that' breakthrough in understanding. That's what did it. So now I'm going broke from buying treats instead of diapers. [insert more judgmental comments here]

2 replies · active 727 weeks ago

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dawn 58p · 728 weeks ago

oh, we bribe. There's a year's amount of whatever treat he loves available, and he knows it. Just. Hasn't. Kicked. In.

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k.d. · 727 weeks ago

I know what you mean about kicking in. Like when she was obsessed with Mater the Tow Truck and I bought her a Mater toy, and held it out to her, in the package, and said, "You can have this if you pee in the potty." She looked at me confused and walked away, and never asked for the toy. So Mater sat on a shelf forgotten. Then a year later she was talking some crazy chatter about wanting a dolphin umbrella, and how "the mailman bring it" (because the mailman is like Santa Claus around here thanks to online shopping) and in desperation I said, "The mailman will bring you a dolphin umbrella if you poop in the potty." The lightbulb finally went on and she sat on the little potty for over 30 minutes crying, and rambling about the umbrella, but then she finally did it! And then later in the week the mailman brought an umbrella (luckily she changed her mind to a ladybug umbrella since those are easier to find). She didn't learn to pee in the potty until later though. It has been a slow excruciating process.

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Erica · 728 weeks ago

I just wrote a song parody about this very topic yesterday. I thought it was funny, but I think it made some people just feel really sorry for me. Dammit, laugh, don't pity! ;-) Anyway, hang in there. My twins are 6.5 and we're still not there yet...

4 replies · active 727 weeks ago

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erica · 728 weeks ago

Blogspot hates me and NEVER lets me sign in with my website! Here's my blog if you're interested: www.laughingthroughtears.com

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dawn 58p · 728 weeks ago

Thank you! I'll admit it's nice to hear someone who's still struggling past 4yo (not that i am happy your are still working on it!). When everyone posts, "oh, we were there until 4" makes me cringe a little. Now i feel normal again. Thank you.

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k.d. · 727 weeks ago

Only in this crowd are we advanced in anything--being potty trained at 4! haha. Cracks me up. But I would be crying in the store while pricing Depends if I were you guys. Sincere sympathies here.

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Erica · 727 weeks ago

I did mention that the "past 4yo" child was actually TWINS, right? Yeah. FML. :-/

Anyway, thank YOU for phrasing your reply remark so nicely! I can't tell you how many times people have said to me, "You make me feel so much better about my own life."...hahaha! Um, thanks? ;-)

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Lizbeth · 728 weeks ago

the only thing I can tell you is that my son figured it out on his own. One day he just woke up and was like, "I'm sick of being wet." I did bribe him with Reese's peanut butter cups to seal the deal but he did it when he was ready. Nothing I did helped. Wish I would have known that before I started tp potty train him!

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Danale's Ramblings · 728 weeks ago

I have been where you are with the potty training and it was the worst feeling ever not to be able to get her trained. The truth is that it does just take longer but it will happen. We tried EVERYTHING to get Maya trained. The more we tried, the more we resisted. I cried daily over potty training as it came so easy to other parents who started their kids later and were trained in a week. I also had well meaning people be sympathetic but ask me "did I try this or that" as if I didn't try anything short of selling a kidney to get her trained. The problem is that this all happened pre-diagnosis and so I viewed it completely as our failure.

The best thing I can tell you is to try and relax about it, it will happen but it might just take a long time. The most you can not stress out about it, the better for you and for your son. I am convinced that our stressing, forcing, stickers, whistles and constant pressure to perform on the toilet slowed down the whole process. I am pretty sure we stressed her right out of it if you know what I mean.

My best advice to you is to let him go without a pull up at least at home, even if it means he is going through 10 pairs of underpants and pants a day when he wets them. I kept clothes upstairs and down to make it be easier and effortless. We only put a pull up on if we were in the car for a long time or at a place where it would just be too awful to let her wet her pants like at birthday parties. It took a while, and lots of extra laundry more frequently but after a while she finally got the feeling of being wet and that she should have gone on the potty. Even if she didn't make it she at least learned to realize it. Then it became easier, but it was very gradual. We stopped pull ups at age 4 and it really took six months to get her to use the potty on a regular basis (and then only the potty chair and not the toilet) with her still having between 2 and 4 accidents a day. By the time she was 5 she was down to 1 or 2 accidents per day. By 5.5 she was down to 3-4 accidents a week. It took a while to get to no accidents, probably until 6 years and even now she will occasionally have an accident.

I never bought into this idea of letting them sit in their wet or poopy underpants, maybe it works but I think it is just humiliating them and probably doesn't do much to speed things along. Plus I just didn't want urine on my wood floors or rugs or furniture so as soon as I saw it, I changed it.

For us what took so long was not getting her to go on the potty but getting her to recognize the feeling of having to go and getting to the potty in time. There was a lot of hit and miss there. I think it took her a good year to really recognize that I have to go feeling and then another year before she would really speak up about it. Even now my pee pee dance radar is sharp as a tack and I still ask her more than I need to if she has to go.

It can be a very long process, but like I said just try to be patient. In the end you cannot force it, they will do it on their own timetable. If you can accept that, then the process is a lot easier to take.

Good luck and if you need to vent, let me know! I've been there!

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Big Daddy · 728 weeks ago

There is nothing worse than changing a severn year old's diaper. Or so my wife tells me. We thought it would never happen with my boy. But it did.

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jillsmo 103p · 728 weeks ago

Mine was trained just before he turned 4 but I had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. We had a home program and those guys did all the work. I'd like to take credit for any of it, but I can't....

1 reply · active 727 weeks ago

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dawn 58p · 727 weeks ago

i may be getting a similar program through my regional center. *crossing fingers*

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calicat985 8p · 727 weeks ago

first time my son went on the potty, I gave him the life saver I'd been promising, and he choked on it. Seriously. choked. How's that for positive reinforcement?

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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

P.O.T.T.Y.

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